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[grandtrashking]

[It had been about four and a half years since Tooru had returned to that painful place, but he'd been there for a reason this time despite having not wanted to return. Not when that place held a painful memory, being the day he'd "died" to almost everyone he'd known. A small handful of people he did know, apparently, had been werewolves as well. Some born, some turned, and a couple of them just aware of the supernatural from young ages and were just human themselves. Even some of his friends, at that, but they'd helped him adjust at the very least. He knew he couldn't ever face Iwaizumi again, so he'd left Japan as soon as he was able to. It hurt at first, and there were times he wanted to turn back and fling himself at the person he loved dearly, but Tooru learned to deal with the heartache until it became a dull throb in his mind that he could ignore most days.

Until that dawn when he was sniffing out a trail of a teenager who recently had been turned and Tooru came upon the last person he wanted to be faced with.

The figure was unmistakable, and Tooru remembered that smell even 5 years later. It was him, it was his Hajime. Panic washed over him, and the only things in Tooru's favour among the trees was that he was in wolf form, and that he was fortunately approaching from behind. Everything else was terrible, especially with the wind blowing towards where he was going. In an instant, Tooru took off, breaking twigs beneath his feet and to the worst of his luck he got caught in a trap.

This was bad, he didn't want to face him after all these years. Not like this, not like what he'd become. His heart felt ripped open all over again, impossible to stitch back together. 24 years old feeling like 19 and waking up in his own blood all over again and restrained by familiar faces that knew him and what he was thinking.]

Comments

[grandtrashking]

[It's slight, but Tooru fidgets now that he's actually there to explain what happened to him, anxious to actually talk about it despite knowing that it was needed to make his recent actions make sense. He knows better than to expect to be forgiven, he knows it's his fault, and the past years have made that clear that he's the one that ran away from everything.

But he does as he's told, looking at the ground as he goes to sit down in the mess of pillows and blankets, tucking his knees close and wrapping his arms around them and looking down. It was pretty telling of how bad he felt, subconsciously putting a wall between himself and Hajime like that, yet also his silent way of asking him to be near him. Silently asking him to let him lean back against his chest. He never had been one for asking for comfort with his words, not very well at least.]

About what happened, yeah?

[An inhale, then exhale, readying himself to willingly remember that personal hell.]

For beginners, I wasn't completely lying when I said I was fine not coming back here. But that reason isn't because I wanted to avoid you or hurt you, it's because I get like this whenever I try and come back.

[There's hesitation after he stops, hoping somehow Hajime still could read him like he could before all of this. Could read his silent request.]

[toughlovin]

Are you a bird?

[Hajime clearly saw wolf features. But wolves didn't make nests so... He didn't really know much about weres and their habits. Just that he needed to stay away from them.

Usually.

Most of them.

There was at least one he didn't want to stay away from. But he didn't know how welcome he would be. Sadly reading Tooru's mind wasn't something he could do, and one he couldn't guess at given how many mixed signals he'd been getting. All Hajime could do was lean forward, forearms draped across his knees and eyes on Tooru.]

Yeah. About what happened.

[Then he'd quiet. He listens. It still made him cold hearing those words and even the slight reassurance that it wasn't him Tooru was avoiding did little to warm him. The rest...

'Get like this', like a massive asshole or...

Hajime quietly thought through what he'd seen, how Tooru had acted. He could put two-and-two together easily enough. There was trauma there, it had been clear in that dead eyed stare, in the panic in Tooru's voice. It was there in the way he held himself right now. And of course there would be trauma. Tooru had died in that spot. At least, Hajime had thought he had. Was there anything more traumatic in life than that?

Slowly, almost as if he was afraid of spooking Tooru, Hajime got to his feet and walked a little closer. Not too close. Not yet. He crouched down in front of Tooru to bring him more on his level.]

Then why'd you come back?

[grandtrashking]

[Briefly, a spark of the man he used to be, still was beneath it all, came to the surface with puffed cheeks and a pout that made him look like a child before it fell back to an avoiding look. The nest thing was just a Tooru thing when he got anxious, messing up all his blankets and neatness he usually kept things as.

He decides to answer the second question first, just to get that quick answer out of the way before the harder answers.]

I came back because there was someone who recently turned, and because I grew up here, who better to send? As long as I kept to the forests, no one would suspect anything. Of course I didn't come alone, the person who asked me to come knew better than that. Kuroo-chan, a friend of Sawamura-kun's and mine too, came with me. But he's mostly staying with him, only sometimes checking on me at night. Did you know? Kuroo-chan and most of the group from Nekoma are all cats? Pretty funny if you ask me.

[Tooru waves that off like it's not as important, just a simple answer for a simple question. That one was easy enough, but the next bit would be a lot harder for him.]

But I know you want to know the other thing... Short answer, I keep remembering that night. I get stuck in it, reliving it. That's what happened back there, I'd been trying to fight back against it for the past week... And I said horrible things to you because of it.

[As if to make himself more vulnerable, Tooru made the tail and ears disappear to look like he had before that night, something he had to learn to blend in with humans again after the first time he lost his sense of self the first full moon. The tail and ears when he was alone was something of an odd comfort at this point, another wall to put up to defend himself with. But Hajime was different, he knew how to make Tooru drop all of those walls without doing much of anything, could get him to just be vulnerable by just being there.]

[toughlovin]

[Hajime's lips twitched a little when he got that look. It was so nostalgic that he almost reached out right there and then, seeing the man he had loved so much. But it was gone a moment later and he could have been mistaken for imagining it.

What he did was listen. And with a growing sense of dread started to wonder if he was putting himself at risk being with Tooru. If he hadn't come alone... Hajime was in danger. Because he wouldn't fight back. If it was Tooru, he wouldn't. Maybe he'd smacked him upside the head a few times back in the day. But he would never, ever want to cause him actual harm!

And then he finally had the thing he wanted. The answer he was looking for. The thing he'd partly guessed but, since he hadn't wanted to assume, needed confirming. On top of the answer something strange happened. Tooru put away his ears and tail. Just like that. Hajime didn't know why... He'd been getting used to them that their absense was more of a shock than them being their in the first place.

Still, once Tooru was finished talking, Hajime lost the battle with himself. He moved. He kept his movements slow enough he didn't startle, but he didn't stop until he was sat beside his... whatever he was now, and wrapped his arms about him. Hajime gathered him in close to his chest, and just held him.]

Then you should've told them to send someone else. Making you suffer that all over again... [There was a hint of cold anger in his voice, not aimed at Tooru but those who would be stupid enough to have sent Tooru here knowing what he'd been through.] I don't get why you did that, Tooru. But I'll let it go. For now. Just don't pull that shit again. I can take a lot from you. But those things you said... [They wouldn't soon be forgotten.]

[grandtrashking]

[Tooru kept a close eye on Hajime as he moved, watching as he sat next to him. He didn't understand why he would get closer after what he'd done and said, but there was also a relief that Hajime didn't just up and leave either, not that he would have blamed him if that did happen. There's a sharp inhale as he's pulled close, and then Tooru just relaxes into him, dropping his guard completely and leaning his head back into Hajime.

It felt right, despite their relationship being unknown now. Could it go back to how it used to be? He wanted it to, he missed being held like that whenever he felt frustrated at losing, or just being held in general. As well as just being able to be affectionate whenever he pleased with him, even if it earned him a smack or a threat of some sort that was usually more bark than bite.

But then he sighs at the anger in Hajime's voice, feeling guilty about that. It had been his choice, even if he didn't want to. He knew the area better than anyone in the area, and had the advantage of not raising any suspicion by missing out on work or practices.]

No one forced me to come back, I agreed to come on my own, even if Kuroo-chan said I was stupid to do it. I know the area, even with... All of that. I shouldn't keep running away from my problems either.

[He'd started to tremble just barely, hands having gripped one of Hajime's arms as if he'd disappear and Tooru's touch would keep him there, biting back from being too emotional. He'd cried enough already, and stubbornly wasn't going to let himself do that again.]

I won't. But if you hate me for it I won't blame you. I really am an asshole like you've said I am all these years, huh?

If there's anything you want to know about that night, like why I was even outside to begin with, just ask.

[toughlovin]

[Then Tooru was an idiot. Why would he come back to the scene of his trauma?

... Luckily Hajime didn't say that out loud otherwise he would have been considered the biggest of hypocrites. He'd been there himself. For that exact reason. Because he would periodically find himself standing there where he had last seen Tooru alive and relive that moment. Relive his biggest regret.

Without quite meaning to, Hajime's head slowly lowered until it was resting upon Tooru's shoulder. His arms tightened about him. There was no way he would be disappearing and no way he would be leaving or letting the other go. Not now he had him back. Not now Hajime knew he was alive.]

I don't hate you. I never hated you.

I hated your words... But not you.

[Hajime sighed then, a cool breath gusting across Tooru's neck softly.]

Why were you out there, Tooru? What the hell happened? [He'd never been able to find that out... no matter who he'd asked.]

All the words omg... I'm SORRY--

[grandtrashking]

[Tooru just takes a deep breath at being held closer, and a very subtle smile crosses his face, a spark of hope that they could return to before. The touch was comfort, warmth, and natural. No matter how cool Hajime's touch was, it always filled Tooru with warmth and security. Aggressive as he could be, he also knew how gentle Hajime could be. He knew better than anyone, getting to see the softest sides of him in private. Tooru was the same, for all his cold and aggressive words that bit into people and messed with their minds, he was capable of being incredibly kind to the people who he held close to him, especially Hajime who was allowed to see the kindest side of him. As well as the worst side.

One hand, without intending to, went to Hajime's cheek, softly brushing a thumb against it in response to being told he wasn't hated. That in itself was a relief, just knowing that.]

I wouldn't have blamed you, but I guess you've always been there at my worst and stood by me, even if I've gotten punched for it.

But.

[Another deep breath, part of his old self showing through with how he put himself together before matches in high school, especially when it was against Karasuno or Shiratorizawa, just so he wouldn't lose focus or his temper. Determined to follow through with whatever was necessary.]

I couldn't get ahold of you, your phone was going straight to voicemail. There was all those reports of people getting attacked or going missing, I thought you had been one of them. I didn't want to lose you, I was scared I was going to, I thought you were one of the people that went missing that night. I know I can let my thoughts get the better of me, but can you blame me for it? I had to know you were okay. You weren't home either, so I had to find you. I ran until I couldn't breathe and felt like I was gonna pass out, and kept running, calling all of our friends to tell me if they saw you somewhere.

I was the one that got chased instead, and torn and bit up, but I never stopped thinking about you. I tried to fight back too, but I lost, but I still fought back because you were the one I wanted to be okay. The weird thing is that as I was laying there, scared and alone, I thought I heard your voice calling out to me. And I could have sworn I saw you, but everything was muffled and blurry, I probably imagined it like how people see or hear their lives flashing in their eyes before they die.

[Without realizing what he'd said, Tooru had just blurted out that Hajime was equally "his life" as much as volleyball had been. If he had realized it, he'd die of embarrassment, since he'd never said something as cheesy as that before. Close, but never to that level.]

[toughlovin]

[The only reaction to the touch was a slight softening of his eyes. He might have smiled if it wasn't for that 'but'. That one word, coupled with Tooru needing to steel himself, made Hajime begin to feel tense.

He knew that look.

And he knew he wasn't going to like what happened next.

Hajime really didn't.

All this time he'd blamed himself for everything... And now he had it confirmed that it really had been all his fault. If he'd just been there. If he'd answered his phone. None of this would have happened. Tooru would have been safe.

Hajime's arms tightened around Tooru, even as part of him wanted to push the other away, disgusted at himself for what he'd put the man he'd loved though.

His eyes closed tight.]

You did hear me... I was just too late. When I found you I couldn't get close. I couldn't hear your heart beating, Tooru. That's why I thought... [Thought he'd died. Hajime shook his head, brow knitting in a deep frown.] I tried to get closer but there were wolves all over.

[And he hated himself for letting them chase him off. He should have taken them all down or died trying. But...]

I wasn't thinking straight.

I should have answered my damn phone. I'm sorry, I should have just answered it and none of this would have happened!

[grandtrashking]

[Hajime tightening his grip on Tooru gave him a bad feeling, similar to when they'd played their final match in high school and he'd sensed Hajime doubted himself as an ace and Tooru'd smacked him hard on the back before lining up because words wouldn't cut it at the time.

He could tell it was similar to back then, and didn't like it at all. None of it was his fault. Tooru knew that, he knew Hajime wasn't at fault for his actions, they were Tooru's actions and his fault, his choice.]

Stop. You're acting like you were when we lost to those crows.

[Another deep breath, with an exhale and stubborn tone in his voice. Usually it had been Hajime reminding him of things, but Tooru was equally as capable of verbal reassurances, he just preferred to give them with physical affection.]

I still made my choice, and I don't regret it. I would have still come running after you even if you did answer your phone. It's like when I told Ushiwaka I didn't regret choosing Seijoh over Shiratorizawa. I don't regret going out to find you, even with what happened.

[A small huff, trying to put his words together to make sure Hajime would understand that Tooru isn't blaming him.]

And I'm here now, right? I didn't die, through some messed up luck, I lived. I'm here. With you. Right now. So don't blame yourself over what happened back then, I'm not blaming you... Even if what I said earlier was the opposite. I don't blame you, I blame the bastard that turned me into this.

[And Tooru would kill the wolf that did it when he found them, it's part of what motivated him to keep going.]

[toughlovin]

[He startled a bit at getting scolded.]

It's not the same, Tooru.

[Volleyball and this were so far removed from each other. He hadn't even touched a volleyball since he'd 'lost' Tooru. It just hadn't been the same. The love he'd had for the game felt hollow without his partner at his side.

But it didn't matter if Tooru blamed him, though it was a reassurance, he blamed himself and that wasn't going to change overnight. But it would change. Now that Tooru was alive and well and back within his arms.]

You're here now. Hope you realise I'm not letting you go any time soon.

[grandtrashking]

[More of his old self showing through, Tooru puffs his cheeks and lets out a huff at being told he's wrong that it's not the same. To him it was, no matter the circumstances, he made his choice and stuck with it. No amount of attempted convincing would change his mind or his stubbornness.]

How so, I still made my choice. I'm not going to believe anything else.

[While the wording was sharper than intended, the tone was his old annoyed one, reserved for Hajime when he'd just complain over the stupidest things or when Hajime would tease or smack him for his childishness.

But Tooru also squirms and manages to turn himself around, even in the tight grip, both hands on each bicep and just staring directly at Hajime with the second thing.

It took courage Tooru thought he didn't have, but his feelings for Hajime were still there and never left, no matter how hard he tried to make himself move on. Yet those feelings gave him unknown courage to just face him properly after the draining panic attacks and forcing nightmares down since his return.]

That's right Iwa-chan. I'm here and you're not allowed to go anywhere else either. I left and hurt you, a lot, but I never stopped missing you or thinking about you. I'm sorry for that, I was an asshole never to tell you. But... We can put that behind us, right?

[toughlovin]

Stop being a hypocrite. You've made your choice and so have I.

[He nearly did whack Tooru right then, but that would have required him to let go and he really didn't want to do that. There was a real fear that if he let go then Tooru would vanish like a dream.

So when Tooru began twisting, Hajime almost resisted it until he realised what was happening. Only then did he loosen his grip enough to allow it. And he listened. His lips twitched and he glanced away for a moment. He'd been missed... Realised he'd been an asshole. Hajime could drive the nail home if he really wanted to. But would it be worth it? After everything, was it really worth it?]

Never stopped thinking about you. I'm going nowhere without you.

[And then he pulled Tooru tighter to his chest and leaned in.

The kiss was soft, damn near chaste. A simple brush of lips to seal the promise made.]

[grandtrashking]

[Tooru wants to smack Hajime for being called a hypocrite, but he doesn't. He lets Hajime win that one time, it's something they're both too stubborn to relent on. A victoryless battle.

But then it all happens in an instant.

His sudden burst of courage.

Hajime's words.

Being pulled in closer.

And then the... Kiss. He's being kissed after having been so cruel, and it's soft. Tooru didn't think that's how his question would be answered, but he's not complaining. Only stunned.

And nervous. To the point it takes Tooru a solid minute to collect his thoughts and nerves that made his mind go into overdrive trying to accept reality.

And once that realisation really sinks in, Tooru just lets instinct and old habits take over, kissing Hajime back with the same softness. Yet he doesn't make it quick, he lingers instead with a smile he'd thought never could come back after all this time.

If this was a dream, Tooru didn't want to wake up ever again.]

[toughlovin]

[The longer Tooru went without reacting, the more uncertain of his actions Hajime became. He was just about to pull away, an apology on the tip of his tongue already. He'd gone too far too soon. Five years was a long time...

But then Tooru finally kissed him back and the tightness Hajime had been feeling in his chest, the knot around his heart, slowly began to loosen. As did his hold. His embrace was gentler now, matching the shared kiss. His own lips turning up at the corners in a smile, a hand ran up Tooru's back and his eyes closed.

This was what he'd wanted. When he'd seen Tooru... all he'd wanted was to pull him into his arms and kiss him senseless. And maybe punch him afterwards. But then kiss him again. He'd missed him.]

[grandtrashking]

[He didn't notice when, but his eyes as well had closed, relaxing more into Hajime. Although his grip on Hajime's arms tightened, another feeling creeping up. He still felt guilty about all of it, even if he'd stood by his choices, and just let himself let the silent tears of both relief and guilt fall down his face before eventually pulling back from the kiss to press his forehead against Hajime's shoulder and spoke in almost a whisper between sniffles. He wasn't going to hide his feelings this time, even if he'd already apologised.]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I couldn't stand hurting you like that. I've missed you so much, Hajime... I--

[Something in him, he realized, was afraid to declare his love for Hajime again unlike his bitter and disoriented state from before, like it would break the dream. His motto had always been "If you're going to hit it, hit it until it breaks." but he'd already done enough of that and didn't want to do anymore breaking.]

I didn't think you'd kiss me again after everything I did, didn't think I'd deserve that. But... I won't leave again.

[toughlovin]

Stop.

[Hajime's hands came up to cup Tooru's cheeks, thumbs stroked away hot tears before he tilted his head and pressed soft kisses to the paths they'd made. He'd always hated seeing Tooru cry. But this kind of crying, the pained kind... the emotional kind... always hurt him in turn.]

I've missed you. Every damn day I missed you more. I never stopped.

[More kisses, cheeks, eyes, nose, lips, anywhere he could reach until he finally went back to resting his forehead against Tooru's. He'd proven his point. He would kiss him, he would shower him in kisses.]

You're the man I've loved my whole life and the one I'll love till the day I die. Tell me again you don't deserve my kisses and I'll kick your ass, Tooru. [Hajime smirked then, a sudden twist of his lips before he pulled Tooru's face closer to kiss him again.] You better not leave me. I'll chase you next time.

[grandtrashking]

[The tenderness did nothing to make Tooru stop, instead he just let it out, because it was five years worth of guilt and regret held in with nowhere to go. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore, knowing that he was safe in that moment to just let go of it all. Hajime was safe, he was always the person he could cry on ever since they were kids.

Especially with the reassuring words, that he'd been missed just as much.

What had Tooru done to deserve someone like Hajime in his life? It was a question that crossed his mind daily, especially in times like this.

But then he just lets out a quiet chuckle at being told his ass would be kicked, because that was definitely something that he knew was Hajime's way of caring for him.]

Stop saying you'll kick my ass, stupid. You never do, usually.

[The tiniest of smirks appearing before he finally lets himself kiss back.]

Iwa-chan is sappy, too. How am I supposed to respond to so much love, huh? Don't tell me you're gonna be like this all the time since I'm stuck with you forever now.

[As if that was really something bad, they'd always been Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Always Hajime and Tooru, as long as they'd known one another, it's always been that.]

[toughlovin]

[Since there was nothing he could do about those tears all Hajime could do was hold Tooru throughout them. And without meaning to he'd started to rock a little, arms folding around him, cradling him close to his chest. Soft, reassurances left him, promises that he wouldn't leave again, that he would never leave Tooru alone again. This was where he belonged after all.

Once the tears made way for a little laugh, Hajime smiled and shrugged a shoulder.]

Always a first time. You don't like me being sappy? Maybe I should kick your ass. [There was no heat in his words, just warmth as he returned those little kisses, one after another. He had five years of pent up feelings, could he really be blamed for being sappy? Dreams of Tooru coming back to him, the things he would say or do, promises he'd made in the dark of night to deities who never seemed to hear him.] Gonna have to live with it. I've missed you too damn much, you owe me this. A little sap won't hurt you.

[grandtrashking]

I didn't say THAT! You being sappy is cute, just like the rest of you, shut up.

[Tooru kisses him again, laughing just a little bit more. He could deal with the sappiness, he honestly loved it. Grumpy but sweet, that was his Hajime.

He'd missed the reassurances and calming effect Hajime had on him, and lacking that for 5 years made it clear just how much he'd never known what he lost until it was gone overnight.

Then something else comes to his mind, something important. Tooru never did things in halves or less than 100%, it was all or nothing for him, something that he demanded from everyone around him when it came to him. He needed to be absolutely sure that they could go back to before, that Tooru'd know he could call Hajime his boyfriend again.]

Hajime. We need to talk about this. About... About us. Obviously, we both won't go anywhere and if this proves anything, never stopped loving each other. I've wanted nothing but to have you back, as mine and mine alone, but I want to hear it from you too. Not just kisses and sweet teases, or promises you'll never leave, but that you want me back like before too.

[toughlovin]

[He'd missed that laugh too. The laugh and the smile that made Tooru's eyes light up. There wasn't a single thing he didn't miss. Not even the brattiness.

So he just laughed back and kissed Tooru some more. Glad he'd been given a pass on being sappy. Now he could pull out all the stops.

Though the next question gave him pause. Tooru asked it so seriously but Hajime had thought it was obvious. If he needed to spell it out for him, that was fine.]

Tooru, there's been no-one but you. You've never stopped being the man I love. My boyfriend. And I want you back. Of course I want you back. I'd be stupid not to!

It probably won't be like before... We're different now. But the bits that are the same can stay. We just have to learn to get used to the bits that changed. [Tooru had a cute tail now after all.]

[grandtrashking]

Good. Because I don't want to be anything besides your boyfriend again. You've always been mine, ever since we were kids.

[Just hearing Hajime call him his boyfriend lit something Tooru'd thought died in him, but had come back with a renewed strength within him. They could go back to the same relationship as before, and he was overjoyed at this, and it couldn't be any more obvious on his face to hear it.

So much so that he felt like he could pounce right then and there, pent up everything wanting nothing but Hajime's touch.

And then he grins. One of his signature mischief-making grins, but doesn't do a single thing about it. For now.]

That also means you can bite me like you mean it. [In an instant, wicked grin replaced by something sweet and innocent.] But we're still us, we just know more about each other now.

[toughlovin]

[Hajime's smile softened for all of a few seconds. Long enough to enjoy Tooru's happy expression. That's what he'd wanted to see. No more tears, just that happy asshole he'd always loved.

But then, the asshole part kicked in. Hajime's hand lifted and gave the back of Tooru's head a light whack.]

I'm not biting you. And careful with those jokes... Pochie. [Yeah, they were still them. And because of that Hajime was perfectly content to tease back. Even going so far as to lean on for a quick kiss.]

[grandtrashking]

[The whine that came from the smack was dramatic, far more than necessary from such a light whack, but this was Tooru and he had a flair for the dramatics around Hajime. Pouting and everything with an offended huff.

But the kiss was enough to stop the dramatics as well, but not enough to remove the pout.]

RUDE! And what if I want you to bite me, huh? I've heard about how bat bites feel good to people! Can you really blame me since I doubt you ever bit me like that before?

[A teasing insult for the one Hajime gave, but said lovingly. Not like when Tooru's backed against a wall with fangs bared ready to defend himself, spitting it curelly.]

[toughlovin]

[He probably shouldn't have laughed, but the whine was cute. The problem was, Tooru was just too cute. As annoying as he could be, Hajime would probably have refrained from smacking him as much if his reactions weren't always so cute or amusing.

A brow rose.]

Just what things have you heard...?

And no. I've never bitten you like that before. I don't always need to...do that. You were always off limits.

[Because Tooru was the one be loved. He refused to hurt him like that. And he'd never wanted Tooru to know. Hajime had just wanted to be a normal man and love in a normal way. Fate seemed to have another plan for them.]

[grandtrashking]

[Tooru just sticks his tongue out at the laugh, rolling his eyes at the question.]

That vampire bites feel the same as getting laid?

[Tooru blushes a bit at the wording, but it's what he's heard. What he's wanted to find out for a while now. He already liked Hajime biting and marking him, but if being bitten like that was even better? He'd want that even more.]

But Hajime, I wouldn't care. Not like you biting me would be anything new, and besides you don't have to hold back on me anymore... Plus. You know how selfish I am.