grandtrashking | (no subject)

[Immediate regret was like a splash of ice water over his head.

What was he doing? He was kissing Oikawa! Why? He was supposed to have punched him. Why had it turned out like this? Kageyama's mind was screaming at him to let go, to back off and to run and never look back. But before he could get his limbs to obey him, Oikawa had pulled back himself.

Was he going to be hit now? He'd deserve it, right? He... What... No no no this wasn't happening...

Oikawa was supposed to hit him now! Or back off and yell at him. Why was he grabbing him back? What was with that hand on his face? What... was with that smile?

And then the screaming in his head reached a fever pitch and, just like that, stopped...

The lips upon his were... terrifying. They were gentle. Soft upon his own. Kageyama hadn't moved. He'd frozen, not sure what he was supposed to do now. Instinct and anger had led him this far and without either, he was at a loss... His first kiss had been made in anger. His second... Why was Oikawa kissing him?!]

[Almost as if on instinct, Tooru pulls Tobio even closer, gripping his shirt even tighter. He's not running away, no not yet. Not while Tooru is enjoying that kiss, savouring his victory over getting that confession out of him. It was the sweetest victory, and the only thing that could have matched it would have been Seijoh kicking Shiratorizawa's asses themselves instead of the bitter loss to Karasuno.

But this? It comes close enough to make up for that. He had won the mental game of chess to force the confession out of Tobio, and even got this unexpected treat out of it.

He still resents the fact Tobio is better than him as a setter, but he'll deal with that later. His award is Tobio's confession.

His grip lessens on his chin, softly brushing a cheek with his thumb as Tooru breaks the kiss and stares him directly in the eyes with that same punchable devilish grin, still gripping Tobio's shirt so he couldn't run off on him.]

I told you, you wouldn't know if you didn't just admit it.

[Running was an impossibility since it seemed his knees had turned to jelly. They threatened to buckle at any moment. Kageyama did his best to lock them in place so he didn't embarrass himself, but even the hands that had long since loosened upon Oikawa's shirt trembled slightly.

He couldn't fathom what was happening. The kiss. The touch to his cheek that made his heart ache in a way that scared Kageyama. This was crazy. It was impossible. Why wasn't Oikawa laughing at him?.

The kiss came to an end and Oikawa pulled away from him. He'd not let go, Kageyama couldn't quite focus on the face in front of him. Dazed, confused, ears buzzing and heart thudding painfully against his ribcage... It was all he could do to stop himself from yanking away and running for the hills.]

Y-you...

[His voice started off shaky and soon trailed off... What he'd wanted to say was 'you hate me'. But if Oikawa hated him, would he really have done such a thing?]

... Why..?

[He does start laughing, but it's not mockingly, instead it's from being entertained by the reaction to his kiss back. He's not even kissing at his best, and he made Tobio react like that? Definitely amusing, and he carefully and swiftly shifts the hand that's balled into the other boy's shirt to around his waist for support, resting his palm on Tobio's lower back.

And for better control of keeping Tobio in place, though that doesn't seem like a problem at the moment.]

Don't get me wrong, I still hate that you replaced me in middle school and I still want to crush you on the court, but you're cute. You make me angry but... I think I stopped hating you a while ago and just hated your talent instead.

[As backhanded as his words sound, there's eerily no animosity in any of them. Just acceptance.]

And I'm not sure why, or when.

[Somehow, even though the laughter doesn't actually sound bad, it feels worse. Kageyama's at a loss for what to say or do. He can't even summon up his anger from before. It's all gone, leaving him feeling shaky and confused.

This isn't how it was supposed to go.

He didn't want to dust off those old feelings only to be hurt again. It had taken him so long to harden himself, to toughen up and get used to the idea he could only rely on himself. And it was an even harder lesson to learn that... was probably wrong as well. To be wrong about everything though...?

Something warm moved around him and pressed low on his back and Kageyama had to bite the inside of his cheek to fight the impulse to shiver.

Why was Oikawa touching him so familiarly? Oh, please, couldn't they just go back to fighting? That made more sense then Oikawa actually liking him!

But... then the idiot went and started talking. Kageyama's head had lowered, looking at his hands on Oikawa's chest. They'd long since flattened out, no longer gripping the others shirt but resting against his chest. He could push. Force him away. But he had no strength. He could only listen.

... Warmth flooded his cheeks.]

None of that... makes sense...

[Tooru sighs, still very entertained by the reactions. If there's one thing he could do even while sleeping aside from volleyball, it was flirting. That came naturally with his way with words to rile others up, and he learned to use it as just another weapon in his arsenal.

But this flirting was sincere, even if somewhat calculated. Successfully at that, given exactly how Tobio was reacting to him.]

Don't tell me that I need to spell everything out for you Tobio-chan.. C'mon, don't be that dense!

[The scolding is playful rather than laced with venom and animosity this time, and Tooru himself had just given into the fact that he didn't actually hate Tobio as much as he thought. Not after that kiss and reflecting about how he's acted, which was different from how he's always acted and felt about Ushijima.]

Yeah so what, guess that the hero you looked up to you isn't some evil monster after all, huh? Guess the great Oikawa Tooru is capable of having feelings for people, even his rivals. As long as those rivals aren't Ushiwaka, but you're not him, so you're not exempt!

[No, he was still an evil monster. And Kageyama wasn't that dense, he just hadn't had enough time to process. And he couldn't very well do that with Oikawa's hands on him in such an intimate way. Not with how close they were. And not with that voice... He couldn't actually remember a time that voice had been aimed at him. He'd heard Oikawa talk to others like that, but never himself... It was surreal. Part of him actually wondered if at some point he'd been knocked out and this was some kind of weird dream he'd soon wake up from.

But no. The hand on his back was warm. He could feel Oikawa's heart beating under his right palm. Those things wouldn't translate well, even in the most vivid of dreams...]

So what does this mean...?

[Kageyama still hadn't looked up, his voice was pitched low, hesitant. He wasn't being dumb but he did want it spelled out for him. He needed to know if he was supposed to turn around and walk away or... or if this was actually real.]

[A good question, one Tooru doesn't quite have the answer to in truth. Where would things go from there? What would become of them, would they just agree to walk away and pretend that didn't happen and act like nothing had changed? They probably should, but a nagging feeling in the back of his mind says for him to pursue this chance. He's got the opportunity right in front of him and even if they didn't tell anyone about this, it could always just be brushed off as having decided to be helpful and getting his head out of his ass for once.

But it's not just his decision to make alone, it's also Tobio's. Not to mention he's still too prideful to admit he's curious about what's next first.]

What do you want it to mean? Tell me the truth, without trying to get me to spell it out for you. If you want to just pretend it didn't happen and that I'm just the same jerk that hates you, I'm happy to do so. But you know, there's other options, ones I doubt I'd say no to.

[Straightforward and not beating around the bush, it's something that needs full honesty between them, and he'd give his answer after Tobio answered his question.]

[His fingers curl, bunching up Oikawa's shirt front.

Not enough time... He didn't have enough time to think. His eyes flittered this way and that, not quite seeing, lost in his own thoughts. Just what did he want it to mean? Could he say no? Could he pretend nothing had happened? That he couldn't still feel the slight pressure upon his lips from Oikawa's kiss? Could he ever forget that had happened or that the other had admitted to some kind of feelings for him?

But the biggest question, the most important, was whether he could trust Oikawa.

After being tormented and teased for so long it was hard to believe that this wasn't some game. That if he said yes, if he agreed to see what would come from this, Oikawa would laugh and call him an idiot.

His eyes fell closed.

Kageyama hated this.

His fingers curled again, gripping Oikawa's shirt once more.]

... I can't pretend.

You're still a jerk.

I can't... imagine a world where any answer I give ends in mockery.

But I... maybe... it's worth the risk?

[That's an answer he could have guessed, though it still surprises him with the option of giving Tobio an out of this and go on like normal, but he's impressed at the honesty. Of course, Tooru would still mock him either way, but the answer would depend on what kind of mockery he'd do. But this answer made it obvious: he could tease Tobio in the same way he teases his best friend that drives him up the wall and gets him a headbutt now and again or just threatened with one and backing down.

Playful, genuine, harmless teases instead of calculating and cold.]

At least I'm a jerk with feelings.

What makes you think I'm gonna mock you? I'm willing to take the risk too.

[There, he's admitting it too. But of course he still has one more thing up his sleeve.]

But do one last thing then, will you? If you're serious, kiss me again without trying to knock my teeth out.

[Kageyama begrudgingly gave a small huff of a laugh. A jerk with feelings? Yeah, that sounded about right. And what made him think he'd be mocked? Everything. There wasn't anything about his interactions with Oikawa that had lead him to believe otherwise. It was a wonder he'd harboured feelings for him at all.

Maybe he really was a masochist?

He'd almost, almost looked up then with a bare shadow of a smile, when Oikawa delivered his killing blow.

Again? Kiss him again? How?! The first time had been... bad. Okay yes, it had been bad. He hadn't known what he was doing and he'd been angry. He'd acted on impulse and his teeth still ached from just how awful it had been. So... how was he supposed to kiss in a more serious way? Oikawa had been gentle. Could he do the same?

He swallowed and lifted his eyes to Oikawa's, a look of resignation falling across his face. Maybe not as romantic as he should be, but really, what could be expected of Kageyama? He thought about what he should do with his hands. Oikawa had taken him by the chin but Kageyama, freeing one of his hands, reached up, there was a slight tremble to his fingers as they touched Oikawa's cheek. He was acutely aware of everything he was doing. Mindful that at any second the rug could be pulled out from under his feet.

Resignation shifted to uncertainty. There was no confidence here. Kageyama could only hope he was doing the right thing.

So he moved his had further up, fingers slipping into soft, thick locks to cup the back of Oikawa's head and pulled him down to him. He lifted his own head to meet him.

... And almost missed.

He caught the corner of Oikawa's lips at first, his cheeks flushing hot in embarrassment at his mistake. But a little shift of his head to the left and he was able to connect. A gentle, almost chaste, kiss was offered as an apology for the first disaster.]

[Tooru's heart skips a beat as his challenge is taken head on, although he can't help but smile at the fumbling. He doesn't expect Tobio to be perfect at kissing, he even doubts that he's ever had a relationship unless he did date the shrimpy redhead, but he won't voice that thought. He won't mock him for trying, and being, quite honestly, adorable as everything about it.

The cheek touch was a nice addition and sweet touch, even with feeling the trembling fingers. As well as the hand on the back of his head and in his hair.

He can forgive a near-miss, given how he can imagine Tobio's nerves are probably on fire with everything that's occurred. And kisses back with silent forgiveness, giving a hum of satisfaction.

This was a much better kiss than the first attempt, though he caused it with riling Tobio up. Without any shame or regrets.]

[If this was volleyball, maybe he would have been more confident. Maybe that annoying genius of his would have enabled him to learn quicker and been just a little less awkward. But since volleyball and kissing didn't translate very well, Kageyama just remained awkward.

For example; his other hand. What was he supposed to do with it? Where was it supposed to go? Hip? Around the waist? Around Oikawa's shoulder? Grab his hand, his arm? Grab him by the throat? What? Oikawa had an arm around him so he couldn't do that so... in the end, Kageyama reached up. He smoothed a hand up the others chest, across his shoulder and slipped it around. The action had a surprise benefit of pulling him closer, their bodies flush against one another.

Kageyama, who had kept his eyes open up until this point, let them fall closed.

This felt better. Easier. He was starting to finally believe Oikawa... Finally coming to terms with this being real and not a game. Not with the way Oikawa was kissing him back.]

[Tooru nearly laughs at the awkwardness radiating off of Tobio, silently holding this over him that he's better in the being smooth department. Though having had a couple of girlfriends before this does give him experience and skills.

Tooru's other hand slips around and rests a little higher on Tobio's back, effectively trapping him in his embrace for the moment, though still giving a chance of an out in case of a sudden mind change. Always thinking a couple steps ahead.

With being pulled closer, he can feel Tobio's heartbeat on his own chest, his own heart pounding despite his calm exterior. He lets himself be lost in that moment before pulling back finally after lingering for a little while.]

So you're serious then? Well I guess meeting your heroes isn't that bad after all is it? And to think, you even got to confess, and kiss me! You're a lucky one Tobio-chan.

[This mocking is of a different tone without malicious intent, playfully teasing since he just can't help himself to be such a pain in the ass.]

[Kageyama was grateful that Oikawa hadn't laughed at him. A laugh right then would have probably ruined everything he was feeling. He was trying so hard to push aside his insecurities, his fears and worries, he was doing his best to believe what Oikawa was trying to tell him...

And maybe he was getting a little lost in the kiss. His heart pounding, pulse racing and when Oikawa finally pulled back he felt it was harder to catch his breath. Kageyama's cheeks were flushed and eyes still closed, and when the other spoke he knew he should probably have been angry. Any other time he might have yelled. The corner of his lips curved upwards.]

... I'd be more serious if you weren't a dick about it.

[The blush is disgustingly adorable, and Tooru takes every ounce of self-restraint not to comment on that, though he definitely would later because that's in his top moments of things to hold over his pretty little junior's head.

He himself is blushing with a dumb grin, but doesn't catch on quickly enough to that in his thinking of how to tease Tobio even more just to get a little rise out of him.]

I can't help it when you're easy to pick on and make angry! Such an easy target Tobio-chan.~ You should learn to work on that, you get so riled up!

[As if Tooru doesn't get riled up either, but he forces all of that down and puts that energy into his serves to keep himself from exploding.]

[Way to ruin a perfectly nice moment, Oikawa!

The blush paled some as realisation splashed his face like ice water. As if Oikawa would suddenly be nicer to him after... No, it didn't matter. Kageyama was done here now.

His arms moved, sliding back until he could press his hands to Oikawa's chest. And then he pushed. He put distance between themselves and scowled. If Oikawa wanted him riled up then fine. He was pissed off. And hurt. And the hurt only made him more pissed off.]

Then lets see if you can hit a moving target.

[And then Kageyama turned and started to walk away. What was the point in staying if all he was going to get was a mindfuck? Emotional whiplash. One second hot and the next cold. Gentle actions and hateful words. Kageyama didn't need to deal with that. What he needed was to go home, lock his door and do his best to forget any of this happened.]

[That backfired on him, yet he should have expected Tobio of all people to blow up on him for the teasing. Not everyone could handle his teasing, not the way he did it with how the words could also come out as a threat.

Though being pushed back made him lose his footing and stumble backwards as he grabbed at air, falling on his butt in the process and cursing from the impact before getting up and chasing after Tobio. Walking as quickly as he can with a frown.

Why was he even running after him, shouldn't he let it be that? He's always teased and acted superior over him, so why's he chasing after him now like some desperate puppy? It makes no sense but he does so anyway.]

You shouldn't challenge someone like that, they might take you up on it and you'll be caught by them. Just wait, I wasn't meaning to be an asshole. Fine, sorry, okay? Just wait for fucks sakes.

["Sorry" comes easy to his friends and best friend, but apologies to people he's been jealous of are harder. Some people he just can't apologize to no matter what, because of his damned "worthless pride". Pride he's swallowing at the moment for the sake of something unknown, even if his tone is more frustrated than apologetic, but there's sincerity in the awkward words.]

Listen. I don't know why, but I like you, I really do. I'm jealous of that talent of yours but that's different, well.. maybe not but whatever, not the point of what I'm trying to say here. You've always gotten under my skin since you were a first year at Kitagawa Daiichi, being a better setter and driving me insane by it. But you're good, and I think that-- ugh I'm sorry okay?

[Kageyama winced. He'd not meant to push that hard... Guilt washed through him and his steps faltered, but he was already walking and turning around now was out of the question. He just needed to go. That was all he could think. His guard had been lowered and Oikawa's words had stung. Without a barrier in place to shield him from that, he'd felt them in a way that made him feel sick.

He didn't wait. Kageyama kept walking. Oikawa hadn't meant to be an asshole, it just came naturally he supposed. And did he really want that in his life? Could he stand to allow himself to care for someone who belittled him and teased him without mercy? Was it even worth it?

His steps, without him really realising, did slow down though. His head was lowered, eyes focused on the ground in front of him.]

... Okay.

[What else could he say? Kageyama wasn't good with words at the best of times. And all of a sudden he just felt tired.

Oikawa had always been someone he'd admired. Someone he'd liked. Take volleyball away and he'd liked Oikawa as a person, until he'd realised he was actually a jerk. But Kageyama wasn't sure that Oikawa could do the same. Wasn't sure he could separate volleyball and Kageyama. So he was always going to get bullied by the other.

But maybe he was wrong? Maybe Oikawa could change, or at least learn to take the venom out of his words. Could he learn not to be so jealous of him though? Would that ruin any kind of relationship they tried to form? Kageyama had never been in one before but he knew enough that jealousy was a bad thing.]

You're sorry. Fine. But what does my talent have to do with... with... whatever's going on right now?

[He was about to start getting demanding if he hadn't noticed Tobio slowing down, and quickly shut his mouth once he did notice that. He was trying to apologize without being antagonistic, even if everything in him was telling him that he's an idiot for it anyway with acting before thinking.

Tobio as a person, from what what Kunimi & Kindaichi have said, is a hot-headed do everything on his own kind of person from middle school. Yet what Tooru's seen, even with briefly separating volleyball from him, Tobio's a good person who seems to be trying his best even if he barks at some teammates. And though Tooru would never admit that he reminds him a bit of himself, he does see the comparisons between them and it irritates him too much. Yet, that similarity is part of what draws him to Tobio without even realising it.]

Of course I'm sorry, why wouldn't I be or say it?

[It flew out of his mouth without hesitation, causing a frustrated groan and folding his arms and pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment.

Good going, great way to start that off. There's a few huffs and before he can give Tobio the chance to hit him or run off more, he just starts talking. Whether it's a good idea or not, he just talks.]

No, you know what, ignore that. Yeah I'm sorry and-- I don't know, I'm jealous of you I guess. I wanna be the best setter, so I work my ass off, and seeing you pull all that off with ease in matches? It pisses me off. But you're nothing like what Kunimi-chan and Kindaichi say. You've grown up and got mature, I guess.

[He snaps his mouth shut before he can say anything more, forcing himself to look away at the ground with a conflicted expression. He's usually a lot better with his words and sure of himself, but this entire thing is just frustrating and confusing to him. He doesn't even get the reason, so he just huffs again with a shrug, still looking away.

How was being honest about this so hard?]

Really, I don't know.

[Maybe that was what he was. A hot head. A 'do everything yourself' type. Maybe he was an asshole, awkwardly bumbling through life because he found people hard to read. Volleyball was easier. Identifying where the ball would go and the precise place to send it for maximum effect was simple. But people?

Kageyama slowed to a stop.]

...

The way you are... The way you act with people. I'm jealous of that. I'm only good at this. Volleyball. It... [He frowned, glaring down at the ground like it had somehow offended him. Kageyama didn't want to look up. Didn't want to see how Oikawa was taking this confession of his.

But it was a two-way street. If Oikawa was saying things then he should as well, right?]

What's the point in being jealous of me? You're already the best. You call me a genius, so what? If it's true it's the only thing I have. Why does it matter? Take it away and I'm nobody.

[No one would notice him. No one would care. All he had was volleyball. Luckily it was something he loved to near obsession. It was something he was good at. Something he could focus on, understand, something that took his mind off of how damn lonely he could get.

Because being part of a team, a team that had actually gone to great lengths to help him, gave him friends by default. He could even grudgingly admit that the idiot Hinata was a friend. But take volleyball away and he'd have nothing. Take volleyball away from Oikawa and he'd still have the world at his feet. Kageyama really couldn't understand why Oikawa was so jealous of him, when Oikawa had everything.

Kageyama took a deep breath and his eyes closed.]

Maybe... I want to be somebody... to someone...

[Tooru keeps his own eyes away from Tobio, arms still crossed as he listens. Tobio's jealous of how he is with people, is he? That can't really be helped, Tooru's always been social and good with -most- people.]

That's not a bad thing Tobio. You're good at what you're good at. And that's a lie, if you weren't at least passable with people, would you be on a team working with them or asked me to show you my jump serves, or when you begged for my advice? The answer is no.

[It's not said as a compliment, more as matter of fact, like how he gave his advice before the spring high prelims. Just stated with little emotion behind him as if it were obvious to everyone around them.

But then he looks up at being called the best, and can't help but scoff. Sure, he knows he's damn good with serves and spikes, and decent with receives, but even the best with sets? Tobio thinks that? It baffles him because this whole time Tooru has been working to keep himself caught up and better as much as he can as a setter.]

Do you really think you're the only one who would be nothing without volleyball? C'mon, don't be stupid. If volleyball got taken from me, I'd be stuck here in Miyagi doing who knows what after graduation.

[Whether Tooru realizes it or not, his own tightly pushed together cracks are widening just by saying that. Acknowledging a truth he's denied himself to think about. He'd be nothing. His friends are going their separate ways, and he's sure the other third years have their own plans besides volleyball with backup plans in place, while all he has is just the sport he's loved since childhood. Take volleyball away from him and he'd be devastated.]

If you want to be something to someone, then... I'm right here, aren't I. You already admitted feelings for me and kissed me, and clearly I kissed you back. That should say something already. Are you afraid of asking me to be something more?

[Kageyama's lips twitched. He wasn't good with people. The only reason he was where he was was because the rest of his team were better with people. They'd helped him. Had the patience to teach him. Even now he had troubles, but if it wasn't for his teammates being willing to work with him and overlook a lot of his issues.

The fact he was good at what he did as a setter probably helped.

His head lifted then, gaze moving to the side to look at Oikawa.

No... he wasn't so egotistical that he believed he was the only one. But he could only talk about himself, not anyone else. It surprised him that Oikawa would have those feelings too. He was popular, wasn't he? How many girls hounded him wherever he went? He had friends, didn't he?

But then he went and said more. Kageyama's breath caught and held.

Was he afraid?

Yes. He was. This terrified him. Wanting something...]

Yeah. I am. But I want to. To be something more... even if it scares me.

[Because didn't that mean, even if, for some reason, volleyball stopped being something he could do. At least he would have something else in his life to keep him going? Someone else. He'd stop being nothing... and he'd be important to someone.]

[Sure he was popular, all the girls wanted his attention and he gladly gave it, but a nagging fear his behind the confidence of flirting that they were only interested because of him being Seijoh's captain.

Which was ridiculous, because he also had the good looks to be popular as well, but he wasn't indestructible like he acted around most people.

Tooru can't help but give Tobio a skeptical look for a quick second before closing his eyes and shaking his head. On one hand, he got Tobio to admit it, but on the other it didn't seem to be enough. Not for him. He wants to tell him to cut the bullshit and just say it straight, in those exact words, but that could drive him off again.]

Well. Then just say it. Obviously I haven't gone anywhere. What is it you want then, to be...

[He clears his throat, a noticeable blush forming at thinking the words. Maybe saying that wouldn't be easy after all.]

To be mine?

[Mine. Hearing that word caused something within his chest to ache, to tighten enough he found his next breath coming short.

No, no Oikawa was still there. Had followed him and still tried to talk to him. Still seemed intent on... whatever this was. But it was Kageyama who was trying to run away even though he didn't truly want to. What he wanted, was right in front of him. Only it was so hard to reach out and ask for it. Oikawa wanted him to say the words but hadn't he already? Hadn't he said enough of what he wanted? Why did he have to spell it out?

For a moment his eyes closed and he took a shaky breath, psyching himself up for what he needed to do. As afraid as he was, because feelings were terrifying, Kageyama was more afraid of Oikawa getting tired of waiting and walking away.

When his eyes opened he turned and moved. He refused to think, just act. Kageyama stepped closer to Oikawa and lifted a hand, hooking it behind the others neck as he pressed himself close and dropped his head onto Oikawa's shoulder. When he spoke, the words were muffled.]

I wanna be yours. I want... this. I want you.